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A mothers Loneliness

I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be.  It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes.  It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose.  The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to.  It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down.  I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever. I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly.  In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living. I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships because I always le

That Mother Nature; she is one clever lady!

Pregnancy and motherhood is the most natural and wonderful life changing events a woman will go through.  When you are pregnant for the first time there is a blissful ignorance of what is about to come. It's the most beautiful, romantic time and it's all hope and happiness.  You can't quite imagine what it's going to be like, but you know it's going to be beautiful! You feel your baby move and your heart is filled with love and excitement and you haven't even met them yet but you already know that you are carrying your world with you. It is not coincidence we all feel this way; it is by design.  Right from the word go their is a powerful force responsible; she is called Mother Nature.

When your baby arrives, and let's face it ladies, labour is one hell of an eye-opener! It's nothing that you could have imagined and it's hard to describe. Mother nature makes it so you can just about cope, you can bear it, so that you will be so filled with relief and joy that you have endured the pain and fear to get that gorgeous baby you long for.  She brings you down off your silver fluffy cloud with a bump and the exhaustion after delivery is like nothing I have ever known.  But she is cunning, if she gave you a demanding screaming baby after that ordeal it would be very easy to walk away and curl up somewhere to sleep and recover.  So she doesn't do that, oh no, Mother Nature gives you a sleepy new born for 24 to 48 hours while you both recover from that trauma of birth. And you don't realise it just yet but she is just fooling you!  she is giving you time ro regain tour strength. You lie in the hospital bed all dream like unable to take your eyes off that little bundle, bursting with happiness, with joy and love.  You're thinking you are the lucky one who has a really quiet, peaceful baby, he sleeps so much and barely cries, you are going to nail this parenting thing! And in these moments that crafty mother nature is giving you a gift, she is giving you a calm and intimate time to really let that love flow, she is giving you a bond with that baby, one that is going to be unbreakable! She has just given you your world to hold in your arms. And while you are gushing over your baby, she has done something else incredible; she has made the fear and the pain of labour start to numb and fade so not only do you start to forget you actually will be willing to go through it again in the future.

When you finally come home from the hospital a light panic feeling settles into the pit of your stomach. You are in charge. You really haven't got a clue!  But you get through your first night relatively glitch free and you are really feeling like it's going to be manageable. You are already getting in to the swing of it. Change, feed, sleep. Easy! 

Then something strange happens. 

The sleepy newborn has started to find his lungs, he has very clear likes and dislikes.  He suddenly won't go in the moses basket! What!? He was ok in it yesterday! He cries if you put him down, take his clothes off or a draft catches him when the door opens! This is not quite as easy as you thought.  And they need feeding so much! Your body is exhausted and now you are awake every 2 hours through the night! And you can't put the baby down! Nobody told you that- all he wants is to be on you. And that's ok except you need to eat, wee, have a bath, sleep! What on earth do you do?! And you muddle on, finding your own routines, coping strategies and it goes on a blur of exhausting days and nights.

And then it dawns on you.  This is what everybody warned you about. This is why they told you to rest up during pregnancy.  They weren't kidding!  And then you see the value of the bond that mother nature gifted you with.  Because let's face it fast forward 6 months and you are still exhausted, still guessing and still muddling through; but you do it no questions asked, may be the odd tears of frustration or despair, but you continue to do it! For who other than your baby, your world, would you go for months without decent sleep, would you live a life of intense, chaos? Other than your baby, for who would you give up your own identity, give up your career, your wealth, your health and your freedom? You become a willing slave to their every need and whim! Without protest, without regret or resentment. And not only that but day in, day out, you will just love them more and more. Every fibre of your body aches with love for this little person.

It is the most beautiful thing. The bond between a mother and their child.  And it is designed with meticulous perfection by that clever, devious woman called Mother Nature.

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A mothers Loneliness

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