I am lying in bed wondering when the next feed will be. It is usually around this time so it feels almost pointless to go to sleep before he wakes. It's in these moments I dare to let my thoughts loose. The ones I have been too busy all day with my baby to listen to. It's in these moments I hold back the tears and try to push the welling grief down. I am led right next to my husband, he is sleeping, and although I could just put my hand out and touch him - he feels further away than ever. I am lying here knowing I am lonelier than ever. My baby is asleep in the adjoining room, he has a cold and I can hear his nose whistling as he sleeps soundly. In that room is my whole heart, my reason for going on, my reason for living. I have never had many friends, I came from a military family so we moved so many times friendships were fleeting and even in my adult life I have also remained nomadic! Maybe it's a learnt behaviour, not holding onto friendships because I always le
There are a lot of emotions that I expected to feel when I became a mum. Happiness, love, joy, excitement, fear but one that I didn't anticipate feeling all the time is guilt.
Guilt appears to be the backdrop of every day life for me now. I feel guilty as a wife, a friend, sister, daughter and as a mother. I am unable to seem to get through a day without feeling this emotion in something I have done or in some cases not done.
As a wife, I constantly feel like I am falling short of the mark. Not that my husband has ever suggested it! No this is my own self evaliation to blame here! The house is a mess, the washing basket is full or the washing in the machine is still in there 2 days later! Its the feeling of inadequecy because I am not earning, that I don't want to go back to work because my world now is a tiny little human we created but financial pressures are growing regardless. Guilt that I am exhausted, all the time! I feel bad that I haven't got the energy or will power to make my husband feel special anymore or like he is my soul mate even though he still is. The reality is that since we had our baby our relationship has changed; my priority has changed. It makes me feel sad that I sense a distance between us because our time together is shorter and the strains of parenthood mean we are less connected. My husband has dropped from the pedastool I had him on and he has to take second place to our baby. I feel like all I have to talk about is usually baby related because my every waking minute revolves around the Baby! I don't want to go to the pub because it's not the babies routine or I am so exhausted the thought of putting make up on and dressing up just feels like its too much effort- so I feel bad hubby is disappointed but if we did go I would just feel guilty I had disrupted the Baby's bedtime routine or that I was out while somebody else had him. What if he is upset, what if he wants me and I am not there? It is a relentless cycle of constant guilt.
As for every one else, I feel bad I have no time to invest in relationships. My variety of conversation is also greatly reduced to feeds, sleeps and nappies. My world has sbrunk since my baby was born and it has yet to start groeing again. My energy is sapped and all I want is to curl up and sleep. My finances are also severely restricted so the lovely gifts or meals out are also in short supply. I know those that love me understand but I still feel the weight of inadequacy on my shoulders and feel guilty as I am aware some of my friendships are drifting away.
As a mother I feel guilty when I beg the baby to nap because I just need some baby free time or to have a cup of tea; and yet I brought him into this world I should relish every second with him!
I feel guilty that I long for a break from him, when all he wants is me!
I finally get the break and all I do is want to rush back to him to make sure he is ok. I torment myself with the thought he will be wondering where I am and the thought of him being upset makes my heart break.
I feel guilty if I use formula as a one off because he prefers boob! What if I am making him fat? What if he isn't getting enough? Basically I second guess each and every decision I make and question my ability as a mother; all the time feeling like I am not enough, not good enough, failing him in some way; yet I am doing my best. It is enough, I know it is really! But what if I could be better, what if I am making a mistake and I don't know it!
Guilt is a terrible emotion. It is one of those lingering ones; not fleeting like joy. It stays with you for a while and that allows it to grow as you add to the list of reasons to feel guilty as you muddle through the days. I guess it is an emotion I will feel more than I used to as I feel like I am unable to fulfil everybodies needs as I am spreading myself thinner than ever. Life as a mum is demanding. I guess at some point I am going to have to do two things: firstly accept that guilt is part of being a mum, I am always going to worry; secondly I need to be kinder to myself and relax a little this whirlwind of a first baby is going to settle into a rythym and I will make time for others when I have it, those friendships will either survive or die and that is just how it will be.
There is no rule book, I am doing what every other mother does - guessing and hoping it is right! And that is Ok!
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